all that you can't leave behind

the last time i asked the question, 'who were we'. now, i really wanna find out, 'where am i going'.
you know, i really don't know anymore. these 2 weeks have shattered all that i thought was certain and sure, reducing it to meaningless ash and dust.
when do we cross the line between what we have to do, and what we want to do. samantha was right when she said what she did. that i've grown up, but into a more solemn and serious person, lacking the laughter and light heartedness that was evident during the first 3 months of 2004. i forgot how to take life easy, to dream, and actually dare to dream those dreams. now, i'm just worried about everything. my parents, their finances, my future, my friendships, my relationships, everything.
last night i had a dream embodying all that i want, and all that i can't possibly get. the last word that came out of my mom's mouth was a 'no'. in the dream, i saw people i've never even thought of for years, but i didn't see the person i've been thinking about every single day.
i really don't know who i am anymore. like i said, it's too large a transition and i feel as though i left the old part of myself behind and i desperately need to find it. i'm losing friends, and i deserve it dearly, because i haven't been treating them as a friend should.
i don't know who i am or what i'm gonna become, but i do know one thing- and she's a million miles away.