The Nowhere Man
In many ways, I am still living in different times and places.
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, when it gets bitterly cold, I wake up, and the first thing that hits me in the darkness, is the thought of where my rifle is. Then I'd think of either Navin or Shengrong, the 2 people I had spent sleeping with in the basha during sit test and field camp respectively. I get really terrified, when i realise I'm not there anymore.
There are times, it could be anywhere, where I hear someone shout something in the distance, and a fear creeps down my spine, as I remember the unease when I lay in bunk, trying to get a good rest, and the squad leader would be opening doors and shouting the call to fall in. And every night, as I come back to my room as an individual, I miss the unease.
During really boring days at the office, my mind replays the lessons in NY; Mr Kellett's tea sessions, soccer conversations with Mr Tan, debate on angels and devils with Mrs Teo, clowning around with Ms Kwok, encouragement from Mr Nathan, and chill out sessions with Mr Yee. Then I start to feel real cold and empty.
When I plug in my Ipod, and the 'song of the moment' comes on, I wander back to the most awesome gig I had ever played at - The Finals of The One. Then I'd picture Mel, Ivan and I playing to the particular song that was playing on my Ipod at that moment. One great rock show can change the world. I long for it.
And by far, probably the worse of the lot, the thoughts that really eat me up inside, exposing my rotten flesh with acidic wounds and hidden scars, a decay of remorse, a strench of regret, a decomposition of the soul; the 'what ifs'. I picture different scenarios, different solutions, but at the end of the day, I know it can all only be in the mind, and nothing more. I guess there would be some things I would change if I could go back, but then again, if I did, I might not be having the life I have now, might not be the person I am now. And in the end, I guess I don't want that, because quite frankly, I feel very blessed for everything I have.
Still, I am living in all these places, in all these times...
And all these places, they will always be me.
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, when it gets bitterly cold, I wake up, and the first thing that hits me in the darkness, is the thought of where my rifle is. Then I'd think of either Navin or Shengrong, the 2 people I had spent sleeping with in the basha during sit test and field camp respectively. I get really terrified, when i realise I'm not there anymore.
There are times, it could be anywhere, where I hear someone shout something in the distance, and a fear creeps down my spine, as I remember the unease when I lay in bunk, trying to get a good rest, and the squad leader would be opening doors and shouting the call to fall in. And every night, as I come back to my room as an individual, I miss the unease.
During really boring days at the office, my mind replays the lessons in NY; Mr Kellett's tea sessions, soccer conversations with Mr Tan, debate on angels and devils with Mrs Teo, clowning around with Ms Kwok, encouragement from Mr Nathan, and chill out sessions with Mr Yee. Then I start to feel real cold and empty.
When I plug in my Ipod, and the 'song of the moment' comes on, I wander back to the most awesome gig I had ever played at - The Finals of The One. Then I'd picture Mel, Ivan and I playing to the particular song that was playing on my Ipod at that moment. One great rock show can change the world. I long for it.
And by far, probably the worse of the lot, the thoughts that really eat me up inside, exposing my rotten flesh with acidic wounds and hidden scars, a decay of remorse, a strench of regret, a decomposition of the soul; the 'what ifs'. I picture different scenarios, different solutions, but at the end of the day, I know it can all only be in the mind, and nothing more. I guess there would be some things I would change if I could go back, but then again, if I did, I might not be having the life I have now, might not be the person I am now. And in the end, I guess I don't want that, because quite frankly, I feel very blessed for everything I have.
Still, I am living in all these places, in all these times...
And all these places, they will always be me.
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