2 pictures on my wall

everyone wants a fresh start someway along their lives. a second chance. another path to walk that will allow you to start anew; free from past perceptions, prejudices, hate, love, anger, joy or even any form of memory or regret. at some point in our lives we all want to run away.
for me, i'm at the crossroads now, and i really wanna run, i can't wait to. like never before i wanna push my legs to their limit, to not count the distances nor the time, but just keep the motion in pace.
last year, i lost myself. that is why i need to run. to find myself again.
you know, it's funny. right now, i really cannot identify anything around me that is certain...except for 2 things.
God
and how much i really want to see her again.

"there comes a point in time when we lose ourselves, and at that point, we are left with two options. the first is to find the person we used to be. the second is to stay put and invite the world to crash down upon you"

away with negativity.
bathing in the warmth of hope and anticipation.

it would be so great

The Army- the institution of acronyms.

IPPT- which i still have no idea what it stands for.
IMT- individual Marksmanship Training
RO- reveille orders
SOC- standard obstacle course
sispec- where you train to be a sergeant
ocs- officer command school
att b- out for a week
att c- can go home
att a- you're faking it
ll- lower limb
and the list goes on...

so basically, next week i've got to go for field camp, and surprisingly, they don't have an acronym for that...hmm...food for thought. so from thursday to the next thursday, i am uncontactable because i'll be in the forest, beside the old mossy bridge and listening for the song of the nightingale under the dimness of the stars. yea in case you're wondering, i have been repeatedly reciting all the literature quotes in my head whenever i'm free. yea...(awkward silence). so anyway, pray for me people. ciao.

p.s. i miss her.

on the back of 11B

i don't know what's worse-
1) desperately wanting to talk to someone all the time but being unable to do so
or
2) desperately wanting to tell her my feelings but afraid of destroying the friendship.

i can't, i can't tell her. the friendship means too much to me, and if i had lost it because i spoke, then i decree it not worth the risk.

When I fell to the floor tonight, I was so scared, I was so terrified. Then I saw you, and I promised myself that if I could just get up, I'd walk over to you... I'd tell you how much I need you and how much I want you... and how nothing else matters.

i need to fall.

all that you can't leave behind

the last time i asked the question, 'who were we'. now, i really wanna find out, 'where am i going'.
you know, i really don't know anymore. these 2 weeks have shattered all that i thought was certain and sure, reducing it to meaningless ash and dust.
when do we cross the line between what we have to do, and what we want to do. samantha was right when she said what she did. that i've grown up, but into a more solemn and serious person, lacking the laughter and light heartedness that was evident during the first 3 months of 2004. i forgot how to take life easy, to dream, and actually dare to dream those dreams. now, i'm just worried about everything. my parents, their finances, my future, my friendships, my relationships, everything.
last night i had a dream embodying all that i want, and all that i can't possibly get. the last word that came out of my mom's mouth was a 'no'. in the dream, i saw people i've never even thought of for years, but i didn't see the person i've been thinking about every single day.
i really don't know who i am anymore. like i said, it's too large a transition and i feel as though i left the old part of myself behind and i desperately need to find it. i'm losing friends, and i deserve it dearly, because i haven't been treating them as a friend should.
i don't know who i am or what i'm gonna become, but i do know one thing- and she's a million miles away.

who were we?

so what's another day
when i can't bear these nights of thought of going on without you

Day turns to night, and night makes way for day. It has been a month in the army already, and everyday, without fail, i'll look at all the homogeneous faces of stereotypes, think to myself and ask the same question.

who were we?

For me, the transition is too massive and too sudden. no, i am not refering to the physical aspect of the military, nor the mental muscles you need to build, but rather, i am refering to the fact that one has to leave behind everything he knows of himself. now, we are no longer individuals. we have been reduced to statistics, numbers, stereotypes and insignificants.

disillusionment sets in.

the places i have come to fear the most

William Shakespeare once said:

"There is a tide in the affairs of men
Once taken on in the flood
Leads on to fortune
But omitted, and one's life
Is bound in shallows and misery
On such a full sea are we now afloat
And we must take the current when it serves
Or lose the ventures before us"

I tear after every, and i do mean every, episode of One Tree Hill.

It's time to move on.